Thursday, January 31, 2008

Adley Reed

Ode to Adley (My Cousin to be)
by Karsten Uhl

Hello to Adley Reed
It's nice to know that your a girl
I thought of buying you something that you need
and all girls need something that can twirl.

You will find that day by day,
that you grow a lot.
I'm told you will born in June, not in May
That's a shame, I bet it will be really, really hot

You can hear a lot inside the womb,
I heard so much waiting for my time to come,
And, just wait until the shaking of your uteral room,
From the noise your Mom makes with her bum.

So relax, Adley, my cousin dear, June is not so far away,
I'm sure your parents love you incredibly, and can hardly wait for that day.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Funny who ya meet.


Today, Mom found out that she was in Labor, but it is latent. What does that mean, I guess it means I won't drop on the floor right now, but I'm being evicted sometime soon. So, after the doctor my parents went to get a pizza. At the pizza shop they meant a very gracious person named Bill Shippey. Mr Shippy is on island from Guam to teach classes on regulatory compliance, or, now to avoid getting really big fines from the government. Very nice man with quite the interesting life. In talking, he revealed that not only was he the first African American to climb the Grand Tetons, but he was also visited
Whiting, Iowa in 1973 and by all accounts had a wonderful time at the border of nowhere and oblivion. If you would like to hear Bill, you can catch him on his radio show , Straight Talk with Bill Shippey, by streaming KPRG 12 p.m. Chamorro Time at http://www.kprg.org/. I will kick my Mom in the ribs until she tunes in, and you should too.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

This is the Word of The Fetus!


And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, And the leopard will lie down with the young goat, And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; And a little boy will lead them.
Isaiah 11:6

And the tigers shall suckle from the sows, and the piglets shall be put in Bam Bam Rubble outfits and lay with the tigers. And then I shall be born.
Karsten 1:1


Monday, January 28, 2008

Kerry : Preggo in Paradise


This is Mommy and me, I have to say one heck of a better picture than that hack with the ZZ Top beard. I let her do all the talkin' today, because it was kind of rainy. But, I will be squakin' at you soon enough. Love and Peace to all of you! K

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Karsten TV


Well, I think my minions finally got Karsten TV on the air. But, I have to say, that anchor, what a joke, where did the human resources department pick this guy up from? I'll kick Mom in the ribs to show disapproval.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Which is Worse?


Did you know that according to imadeitup.com.mp, the number of people who die from falling icicles is roughly equivalent to the number of people who die from falling coconuts. I guess no matter where you go in the globe, you just can't get people to look up!

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Amish are way cooler than I thought!



After the Magellan Post, many of the readers of Karsten's Blog asked, what are the chances of having 6 toes or six fingers for that matter. Well, considering that most people think they can actually win the lottery, the chances are pretty good. Listen to this, the condition called polydactylism occurs in 1 in every 500 births. Although, the frequency is higher in some groups such as the Amish, due to the Founder Effect (the loss of genetic variation when a new colony is established by a very small number of individuals from a larger population). Now, I'm pretty sure I only have 10 fingers and 10 toes, but maybe just maybe, I'll get lucky and get another.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves

Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves, as well as other.... songs can be played on the sky jukebox that is on my blog. Not much to report otherwise. As I said yesterday, the weather has cooled and everybody on the island is feeling fine. The neighbors are all trying to pawn off papaya to my parents. My dad says it's like corn in September in Iowa. I don't know about that, but there is lots of Papaya, if your interested.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Trade Winds Contest!

Everybody is so glad that the Trade Winds are finally here. After the rainy season it has been Hotter than July, to borrow from Stevie. Of course, that is only hearsay as it is always a toasty 98.6 in my hot tub made for one. But anyway, everybody seems more relaxed now that the winter breezes have finally arrived. As some of you may know, these are the same winds that brought Ferdinand Magellan to the islands. I am of course referring to the Spaniard who was given credit for being the first to circumnavigate the globe (he didn't quite make it, he was killed in the Philippines). Now for the contest. Here is your question Karsten2008 readers: In 1521, Magellan landed in the Mariana Islands, what did he name the islands, and why? If you can answer this simple two parter and leave the answer in a comment, you qualify to be put in the running for a live deer courtesy of the Kagman Mobil station (Must be over 18 but less than 19, a resident of Outer Mongolia, and have 6 toes on your left foot. Other rules and resrictions may apply, please contact Karsten 2008 for a full list of rules and details)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I'm Cooked


As of today, I am officially full term. That's right, poppin' fresh and ready to come out of the oven. Now, this is not to say that I am in a hurry, far from it. I will wait this out as far as it will take me. And after my Mother tried that early eviction bologna, I might stay on til Oma and Opa get here.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Make your dreams come true

As we celebrate the legacy of Dr. King today, I think it is important to remember dreams. Dr. King's dream came to pass, more or less. Imagine the dreams he might have given us should he not have been struck down. Since you are still here and I will be on the scene soon, we need to keep dreaming. It was my parents dream to live on a tropical island. It affords us a lot of opportunities, like taking me to the beach so I can feel and hear the waves. But they are not done dreaming, who knows where the next dream will take our family. Maybe it will be a dream about 1001 Arabian Nights. Maybe it will be a dream about floating down the Mississippi, who knows? You can and should dream too, no matter how old or young or restricted by an umbilical cord you are. Keep dreaming, and you will stay free.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

I'm covered for Carbon Exchange

Are you covered for carbon exchange? Meaning, have you come up with a plan to exchange the carbon you produce through living a modern life? Well, I think I am already covered. My Dad has been working diligently to make sure that our family is carbon neutral. Meaning, all of the carbon we put into the air is taken back out of the air. He has decided to do it by planting trees. According to the Carbon Exchange calculator at http://www.trees.co.za/, Our family needs to plant around 16 trees to stay carbon neutral. So, he has planted 8 Papaya trees, 5 mango trees, a rubber tree, a taotaomona tree, and a heck of a lot of shrubs. Plans are in the works for more Papaya trees, a few more fruit trees, and lots of pepper bushes. I would strongly encourage you to do your part as well, so there is a somewhat normal world for me to grow up in. If you have the room, plant your own trees. Why not plant your own fruit trees or maybe grow your own Christmas trees? It seems that any goofball with a shovel, water, and some space can grow a tree. Otherwise, donate to the website that you did your calculation at and have your bourgeois lifestyle supported by an African. After all, why not drive your oversized SUV and help villagers in Africa help themselves? I believe it is a much better choice than driving a Prius.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Hit 500 times

I've been hit 500 times already, and I am still in the womb. But don't call the authorities just yet, I mean my blog logged it's 500th hit today, thanks to all my loyal readers. I guess I have you all addicted enough to the trivial happenings of a fetus to announce my pay site, Karstengoeswild.fauxwebdomain.com. For the low price of $19.99 a month, you can see all of the scandalous pictures of me and my friends Livin' La Vida Loca (btw, what ever happened to Ricky Martin, he was dreamy). So, get those credit cards, atm cards, checks, or green stamps ready, the pay site will be ready to go moments after my birth, just enough time for me to do something Loca.
[If you leave your email in the comments, I will send
you the pictures that were too Loca for the Blog]

Friday, January 18, 2008

Redelivery


So, today was report card day at my Mommy and Daddy's school. Parents came in and told stories about their kids. Back when Mommy was in the hospital, she had to miss a half a day of school. So, when she came back to school that afternoon, she explained to her kids what happened. Apparently she needs to do a little better job of explaning next time. Here's what one parent said the student told her about me:


I came out, but the doctors decided it was too early, so they pushed me back in.
I guess I get to be "born-again" already!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Writers on Strike

I seems the writers here at Karsten2008 have decided to go on strike in support of the Writers Guild of America strike. Which, by the way, makes absolutely no sense because this is a blog., and nobody gets paid anyway. Oh course, when I pointed this out, my "writers" said this is the kind of curt treatment they were going to strike over anyway. So I said, "Good, who needs you anyway. I can type right through this abdomen wall. HAH!"
I don't know if Mom will like that, but a fetus has to do what a fetus has to do. Tune in tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bye Bye Doug and Bree

It was a very sad day today. Mom and Dad's friends Doug and Bree left today. Two better friends will never be found again. But we won't say goodbye, we will say aufvedersen (until we see you again)!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Random thoughts from my Dad

It is said that fathers impart knowledge to their sons. It that is the case I am out o' luck. Here are some of the random thoughts that my father has decided to give me in the womb:
1) Cheeze Whiz is not really cheese, it is much better. and spreadable

2) If you throw a coconut at a dog, you had better be prepared to buy a new dog.

3) Walt Disney is alive and waiting to start his Aryan Revolution, but Elvis is dead.

4) When your mother asks if she looks really pregnant, the answer is no.

5) You can't dig a hole to China, but you will occasionally find a water main.

6) Never date a woman who has a collection of unicorns

7) If you leave a glass of milk out, find it first and blame the smell on the dog.

8) You cannot substitute cream cheese for sour cream, ever, in anything.

9) Sand on the beach, good. Sand in the pants, Bad

10) Just remember kid, you can't get pearls of wisdom like this out of books.

God help me!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Everything A OK


My Mom and I went to the doctor today. It seems that my captivity in this womb is to continue a while longer. I thought I was to be free last week but no dice. It seems I am a happy, healthy baby, if that doctor only knew my discontentment. Oh well, soon I will be free, free I tell you, FREE!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Fictitious Rich

I was thinking about the world I'm coming into the world today, and I started thinking, "What will my parents expose me to?" Apart from love and security stuff, I hope they expose me to the world of the Fictional Superrich. If you didn't already know, Forbes puts out a list of the top 15 richest fictional characters. Now these are the type of people I want to be exposed to:

The Fictional 15



(If you don't know all of these people, turn on the TV once in a while, or go to Forbes.com)

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Tony Roma's

At my house, Saturday night is date night. Not for me, ( I am just a fetus, and the lady fetuses don't dig long distance relationships) for my parents. Tonight, they will dine at Tony Roma's. As many of you many know, Tony Roma's is a chain (yeah, I know, my parents are supporting corporate greed) that is in 26 states and 29 countries. That, my friends, is a lot of pork! I don't know what they will be eating, but I can guess it will be big chunks of meat. Oh yeah, I can't wait to get teeth.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Rocking Chair

Mommy and I came home safe and sound yesterday. I am not free to roam the world as of yet but my day is indeed coming. Anyway, in all of the excitement I almost forgot to tell you all about the great gift I got on Tuesday. On Tuesday, My Mom went to a baby shower. After the bathing, I understand it is customary to pay homage to the fetus with tribute. Which is exactly what happened. Well, the ladies got together and bought me a rocking chair. It is a little big for me so maybe my parents can use it. It's used, I guess it did belong to some guy named Kennedy who used to be president. But, I guess used is better than nothing you know. It's just next time, if I get something used by a president, I want the ball pit from the current White House.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I'm not free, YET!

Well, it seems that all the hoopla was for nothing yesterday. My Mom started to have pre-labor contractions and we went to the hospital. As it turns out, I'm not quite ready to go. So, the doctor gave my mom tributerol, a medication that is intended for asthma patients to ease smooth muscle contractions. And, since abdomen muscles are smooth, they get relaxed too. But, it didn't stop them cold, so Mommy and I will have to stay overnight for observations.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Moving Day?


Well, it was an early morning for everybody in our little family. It seems that nature thought it was my moving day. At about 3:30 this morning, my Mother and I started to feel contractions.... Stay tuned for more info

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

White Noise

There has been a lot written about white noise. Well, according to many articles, I hear white noise all the time. According to Mommy and Me, or whatever all those hokey magazines are called that tell parents what they should know and what expensive pastel do-dad they need, white noise is background noise, such as from a vacuum cleaner or a nature sounds machine. Well, as with most things they write about in those magazines, they are only half right at best. Yes, I experience a lot of unspecified noises here in the womb. From heartbeats, mine and mother's, to muffled outside sounds etc, etc, etc. However, these are not "white noise", they are background noise. White noise is the sound of the universe being created 13 billion years ago. Now, that is something I would like to hear. It wouldn't be to hard here in the Marianas, all one has to do is turn on a tv, there is no broadcast tv so all the channels will play a little white noise. But, the question is, why do we babies find white noise so pleasing. Well, maybe it is the sound of creation that we are so used to. Or, maybe it is a faint echo of God! Who knows, but here is a short video to explain a little more about the true meaning of white noise

Monday, January 7, 2008

Anonymous Comments


With the Presidential season just starting, it reminds us all that we are citizens of a country that allows free and honest discourse (except for those dirty socialist Canadians or Western Europeans who may be reading this, you know who you are!) In the spirit of this freedom we hold so dear, I would like to take the time to encourage all who follow this blog closely to please take the time to post a comment every now and again. And don't worry, for those of you who still look at a TV and say, "Wow, its like a radio, but with pictures", it is very easy to leave a comment. After each entry it says, post a comment. Now, it is rather small so some of you will have to really look closely (good thing you have those glasses on a chain around your neck). Then click those words, and you can leave a comment. No fuss, No muss, and all can be done anonymously. Now, for those of you who might say, I have nothing to say, that is hard to believe. How about commenting on the idea, I, a fetus, am writing a blog (which by the way is perfectly within the realm of possibility with today's science available here on Saipan). Or maybe you like Debbie Boone (yeah, right), or you think dogs could be considered human. Anything your heart desires, will come to you I'm sure. Start now, and you will be only a couple of key strokes away from reaching posterity.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Soccer Guy? I don't think so!

The staff here at Karsten 2008 has discovered something very odd. If one searches Google Images you find this picture of me, Karsten Uhl, playing for an adult soccer league team. Well, as you can image that comes as quite a shock to me! I didn't know I was a middle aged goalie on a local soccer team in Germany! I never get told anything. Boy, you think I'd remember something like that! Well, anyway, I bet I'm pretty good. I look like I'm the youngest guy on the team, or at least the most tan. Karsten 2008 will keep you informed if I have any other lives I know nothing about.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

No, (insert dog's name)!

Here they are, the two "ladies" of the house. One is my Mom and the other is a dog. Can you guess which is which? Well, I will give you a hint. One is pretty, loving, and caring. The other is a dog! Some people in the world can't tell the difference between people and dogs. I've heard some humans of questionable moral character will walk over a family of homeless to get their dog a sweater. Odd, because don't dogs have fur to keep them warm? Well, I can tell the difference already. From what I can hear, you can always tell a dog because when spoken to, their name is either followed or proceeded with a no. Example, "Hailey, NO!" Or, "NO Hailey!" See, simple. I can do it, maybe we can teach others, spread the word!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Diapers piled to the Sky

Finally, my cloth diapers arrived from Utah (insert your own Mormon joke here). My parents, following manufacturers advice, laundered them immediately. So, I can poo this much between washings. That's good, because when I get out of here, I intend to use a lot of these. Studies show that the average baby boy uses about 5,000 diapers before potty training. If this holds true, I will use each of these diapers around 85 times. I hope I can fill that order. Now, many of you out there may be asking, why cloth diapers, don't your parents know that there are diapers that you can just throw away after every use. Yes, they know that, but let's look at the facts, alright. First, the previously mentioned number of 5000 diapers. 5000 diapers at 30 cents a piece ( at drugstore.com) that's $1500 dollars. And, if you want fancier options the price goes up from there. My cloth diapers only cost $100 with all the accessories. Even if you figure 3 cents to launder each diapers, that is only $150 dollars. All told, my bowel movements will come to a whopping $250 dollars with cloth diapers. That's like$1250 that I can use on spring break in Cabo some day. Then, there is the trash factor. Everybody knows that disposable diapers go to the landfill. But did you know how much room they take up, one square meter (for those of you reading this that discount anything French, including the metric system, that's about 1 yard square) per child. Imagine! Now, these days the big thing in disposable diapers is biodegradability. Well folks, that's just great if you intend to leave them laying out on your yard. But, if you throw them away like most people, you must understand that nothing biodegrades in a sealed landfill. The mess you made as a child is still there, as well as all of your friends, their kids, grand kids, etc. Where will people my age, minus six weeks and younger, live if the whole surface of the planet is just a layer of dirt over little packets of poo? And, last, but not least as it will affect me the most immediately, cloth diapers are better for my health. It seems that the disposable diaper industry has been lying to us. It seems that their product is not better for people like me, they are much worse. The disposable diaper industry itself did a study, and found out that diaper rash incidents went up between 7.9% and 10% with disposable diapers. If that's not enough, look at some of the stuff that is in disposable diapers:


SODIUM POLYACRYLATE - This is the chemical, added in powder form to the inner pad of a disposable, that makes it super-absorbent. When the powdered form becomes wet, it turns into a gel.

Properties:
-It can absorb up to 100X its weight in water.
-It can stick to baby's genitals, causing allergic reactions.
-Reported to cause severe skin irritations, oozing blood from perineum and scrotal tissues,
fever, vomiting and staph infections in babies.
-When injected into rats it has caused hemorrhage, cardiovascular failure and death.
-Banned from tampons in 1985 because of its link to Toxic Shock Syndrome.
-Has killed children after ingesting as little as 5 grams of it.
-Causes female organ problems, slows healing wounds, fatigue and weight loss to
the employees in factories that manufacture it.


DIOXIN - This is the chemical by-product of the paper-bleaching process, using chlorine gas, in the manufacturing of diapers.

Properties:
-It is a carcinogenic - cancer-causing chemical.
-The EPA lists it as the MOST TOXIC of all cancer-linked chemicals.
-In small quantities it causes birth defects, skin/liver disease, immune system suppression &
genetic damage in lab animals.
-Banned in most countries, but not the United States.


TRIBUTYL TIN (TBT) - An environmental pollutant, considered highly toxic, that spreads through the skin and has a hormone-like effect in the smallest concentrations.

Properties:
-It harms the immune system and impairs the hormonal system.
-Speculated that it could cause sterility in boys.



Enough said!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Debbie Boone and False Advertising

At my house, we can streaming XM radio due to the generosity of my Opa Lewis. Anyway, we listen quite a bit and I especially like the one hit wonders station. It makes me happy to know even those with limited talent but loads of drive can have a song on the radio. Anyway, you may be asking yourself by now, what does all this have to do with Debbie Boone and bikini bottoms. Well, here's the connection. We were listening to the one hit wonders and Debbie Boone comes on with her song, You Light Up My Life. It's a very nice song about a young girl in love. I was all happy inside until my parents began to talk about how every body was fooled into thinking this was a song about young love, when in fact it was a song about loving God. Now,I love God and God loves me and all that, but I can't stand false advertising. I felt like such a heretic thinking of young love when I should have been thinking about Agape love. I was quick to voice my opinion by kicking. I show my displeasure by kicking. Of course, I show my pleasure by kicking as well. Now admittedly, it is not a very good system, but nobody has bothered to teach me Morse Code. Anyway, She should have prefaced this song with a little speech like, this is my love song to God, something! Short of that, she should have performed in something like the bikini bottoms with John 3:16 as shown above to give the audience a clue, you know back then, not now, nobody wants to see that!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The Year of Karsten scandel

From the Dali Lama to Vladamir Putin, leaders from all over the world yesterday declared 2008 to be my year, The Year of Karsten. However, in the United States the Bush administration again failed to keep ahead of events. In a closed news conference, President Bush describes to V.P. Dick about the size of the error the administration has made. V.P. Dick was quick to point out that is, as is every year, this year has been declared the year of the military contractor. To which the President put his index fingers in his ears and stated," La, la, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you!" My Dad said that he better never catch me doing what the President did. I am to never be so disrespectful to someone in charge.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Year of Karsten


It is official, 2008 will be the year of ME!
KARSTEN
On the eve of the monumental year for the world, a papal bull was issued from The Vatican. In it, Pope Benedict states, "Ich weiß, wen Gott mag, und Gott mag Karsten." Then he said something about having to roll with his "crew" and left in his armored 1977 stretch Caddy Fleetwood. I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. At the U.N., General Secretary Ban Ki-moon issued a similar statement saying, "Blah, blah, blah, something, something, something." When asked to translate, the General Secretary said," Don't be a player hater, Karsten will be down." Later, he added, "But be warned, if the world is not vigilant,
Karsten will be up in all of our Kool-Aid."
That's right yo, I will be! Mix me up some red!