Why the dog is better than ME! As if!

I fake sleep a lot. It gives me a chance to hear others talking about me. Usually, it is very mundane things such as, "Oh, he is so cute", "Karsten is the best baby ever, I never realized how ugly most children were until I saw Karsten" or "I hope my children have babies as cute as Karsten, or there will be no reason to go to the mainland to see them". Things like that you know, obvious observations of the truth. But yesterday, I caught Father in an act nothing short of heresy. For some unknown and most likely psychotic reason, he launches into this list of why 'The Dog" is better than ME! Here is the list. May God have mercy on his soul:

1) The Dog was free.
2) The Dog is almost silent, has never cried, and barely barks.

3) The Dog uses the toilet on the neighbors yard, no cleanup at all.
4) The Dog could walk and play from the minute we got her.
5) The Dog can do all sorts of tricks with little to no training.
6) The Dog can expel its gas unassisted.
7) The Dog only goes to the vet once a year
8) The Dog eats only twice a day, and her food comes in a fifty pound bag you only need to buy once every two months.
9) The Dog protects the house with nothing more than a fierce bark, nobody has ever been more than annoyed by a baby crying.
10) The Dog will never ask for money, EVER! No allowance, no car, no college, nothing.